You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
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There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
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You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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