I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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