It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
