Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
