look no pants
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Congratulations! We have a period
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
