Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
