You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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