I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
