I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Randomize
