then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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