Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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