he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
