Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
