if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
