Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
