I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
