i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
