How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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