Nicole vs. Life
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
