I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
