i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
