Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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