If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
