both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
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I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize