My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
