Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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