Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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