I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
