so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
