...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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