remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
