It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
