the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
