I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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