my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
