4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
