may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
