sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
