Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
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I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
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I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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