I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
