So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
