Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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