i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My ATM looks so different sober.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
