Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
