So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
