My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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