did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
