wakey wakey hands off snakey
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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