Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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