I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
