I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
