We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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