Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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