This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
