Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
